Yesterday I had a revelation about how I am letting my menial tasks hinder opportunities to build the relationships I have with my children. I said that I would work to correct that and I followed through on my words today. It was awesome! Sammi and I had two and a half uninterrupted hours of play time. And as if from God's direct blessing, I was able to complete all of my household chores in only 20 minutes tonight. Woo hoo!
I was riding high; so ready to see what day 3 had in store for me...
...and then I read the chapter.
Today's lesson: Love God with All Your Heart, taken from Mark 12-"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength." Holladay takes the terms "heart," "soul," "mind," and "strength" and translates them as follows:
By taking the abstract terms and translating them, we should be able to gauge how we are relating to God. "Am I telling God how I feel?" "Am I letting God inpact my decisions?" "Is God making an impression on my thought pattern?" "Am I using God's love to interact with the world around me?" All of this I liked.
Then I get to the next part where we are to receive examples to "love God with all our hearts" in a concrete way. Holladays suggestion is that instead of merely saying a silent prayer in our head, we should pray aloud to simulate more of a real conversation.
I am not knocking Holladay for suggesting this. It actually makes a lot of sense. Rather than search for the perfect thing to say logically in my head, I should express my thoughts and feelings aloud to him just as I would to a close girlfriend over a glass of wine. It is a beautiful sentiment...I just don't wanna.
I think the big problem here is that I realized I might feel embarrassed talking to God this way. Could I really be that intimate with God without letting my brain butt in to tell me that I'm acting foolish or talking to myself? I am afraid that talking to Him aloud may take me too far out of my comfort zone...
And I know that I should be super zealous for Christ, but it's something I am still growing into. Let's be honest here. I am writing all of my thoughts on a blog that I am not even sure anyone is reading instead of discussing it in a small group setting as suggested by the pastor. If I can't feel comfortable enough to do that, how can I make myself comfortable with the idea of praying out loud?
Here is the other thing. Say I try it, and it goes well for me. My husband is not here now, but would I be able to continue it once he got back? He is actually a non-believer. I pray in my heart all the time that he would come to know Christ and receive salvation, but would this help win him over at all, or would he look at his wife and wonder if she had gone completely nuts?
Oy-my aching head.